Self Discouragement

Motivation (or lack thereof) is my excuse for not sticking to my goal of writing in here every week for the past two years. I have no reasons. I only have excuses. 

I have had zero enthusiasm and zero motivation. A lot of it has to do with my anxiety and my depression, which has just been through the roof lately ("lately", as in for the last thirty-two years). 

My goal with this blog was to hone my writing skills (which are already fantastic), and to start getting back into the habit of writing on a regular basis (and as a form of therapy). Then, the actual initiation of writing will not be such a struggle for me, and I won't have internal arguments trying to convince myself to write. 

Getting started, for me, is the most difficult part of writing. Once I start, I'm on a roll (usually) and can write for hours on end. 

What stops me is my constant thinking....

"What is the point?"

Which is what I ask myself when it comes to almost everything and anything.

I am constantly thinking, "what is the point of writing anything if nobody is going to read it?" 

That shouldn't even matter, should it? I should be writing for the sheer joy of writing....because it makes me feel good. 

It does make me feel good. I enjoy it a lot! It's one of the very few things I can actually admit that I'm good at. But, as I write, I start to get depressed for the very reason I just stated. 

Part of the problem is that I am my lone supporter. That is not ideal when you have such terribly low self-esteem, that you pretty much hate yourself and everything about you. 

I guess I feel the need for some sort of validation that I am good at this (at anything, really).  Maybe it's because I feel that I can't do anything right (just look at my life). I've rarely, if ever, received any sort of praise when I've done something right, good, well, etc. So I am always questioning myself and my abilities. I don't want to share something with the world, and it's absolutely awful, and I unintentionally humiliate myself (not that that's anything new). 

But, it doesn't just apply to writing. I put a lot off because I don't feel well all the time (pain, fatigue, etc). So all the little projects I put off eventually pile up into one humongous project I need to accomplish in a short amount of time. Then I get so mad at myself for doing that. I just get so depressed and have no motivation for anything at all.

So, I guess the point of this was to explain my excuse for not being as steady with blogging as I would like. 

I have to try and defeat my enemy, which is myself, that keeps me from doing the things I enjoy. 

We'll see how that goes (I have no type of military training in this matter).