Uncomfortable with Happiness (Part II)

I had another realization the other day regarding happiness. 

You know, it's amazing what you realize when you pay attention. 

Well, I mean, I pay attention and realize/notice things.....I just have an involuntary habit of forgetting things (almost immediately). 

Anyway....

As far as me being uncomfortable with feeling happy, I noticed that I get really pissed off and irritated when people are nice to me. It just genuinely disgusts me.

What is my problem, seriously??

I have been trying to figure out why I get so mad when someone is treating me nicely or saying nice things to me (generally speaking...not in an overdone way).

I'm sure it has to do with not being used to being treated kindly in the past. But, still....you would think someone used to cruelty would be welcoming to kindness. That it would be like a breath of fresh air!

But, no. 

I, honestly, don't think I'll ever come up with an answer to that question. I don't think anyone can come up with an answer to that question...no matter how many years of education and experience they have studying human behavior and the mind. Some things are just too abstract to understand and comprehend.

Isn't it just strange how some people get so used to being treated poorly that they can't even enjoy being treated the proper way (the way every human being deserves)?? They run away from nice, but stick around for mean!

There really is no point to this entry. I guess I just had a thought and wanted to just put it down on "paper". I'm know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I just like to ramble on about complicated feelings and emotions in the hope that it may help someone understand something about themselves (sometimes someone knows that something isn't quite right about them, but can't put it into words). I'm not afraid of trying to explain something and sounding stupid. 

Uncomfortable with Happiness

I have no idea what it's like to be happy. The most experience I have with happiness is, probably, 23 minutes total (if that) out of a lengthy number of minutes of being alive. 
Ever since I was a child, I have been generally unhappy. Writing that makes me sad and makes me sound quite pathetic. But, that's the reality of my life. I know that even though I try to be objective regarding myself, I can't help but be subjective (but that's true for everyone). But, I am subjective in the most negative way possible (so not normal).

But....
That isn't the subject of this post. 

Happiness, positivity, cheer, and all that kind of junk make me exceedingly uncomfortable. If I am doing something, going somewhere (whatever), and having a good time....I have no idea how to act or react. I feel very awkward when I'm having a decent time and feeling good. 

For instance, when I'm at a concert, and I'm having a good time...I don't know what to do! It feels so unnatural to smile. It feels so unnatural to just have fun, period. I just do not know how to physically express happiness, joy, pleasure, enjoyment, etc. 

I even have a difficult time using the word "happy" (verbally, written...every single way) in reference to myself in anyway at all. The words "Kim" and "happy" just do not belong in the same sentence together. I mean, instead of using the word "happy" in a sentence, I'll just say "not sad". 

I am really good at making a positive statement using all negative words. 

This is all after many, many years of practice, mind you. This skill doesn't develop overnight.

For example, if I've lost weight and can fit into smaller clothing, I can't just say, "I've lost some weight and can finally wear my skinnier clothes again". I have to say, "I'm getting less fat finally". Give me any sentence and any topic, I can "negative" it for you like that.

Also, the being uncomfortable with happiness thing has had a lot to do with why I make such poor choices as far as relationships go. I tend to veer more towards mean, cruel, evil scumbags...and run away from someone who is nice and treats me well. I don't know how to act or feel when someone is nice to me. It makes me feel too weird. So, I usually disappear when someone is being nice. Which makes absolutely no sense! But I sure do feel comfortable when someone is treating me like garbage and being mean to me. That is not good....but it makes me feel comfortable because that's what I'm used to. For instance, (years ago) I went on a few dates with a guy who was so nice to me....he said such nice things to me. He called me nice things, did nice things, was just really nice. But, I didn't know how to react. So, I just ignored him til he left me alone and gave up on me. How stupid am I??  But, I stay with jerks who are unspeakably mean for years.

You'd think I enjoy self torture....

After nearly 35 years, I have just become accustomed to negativity. It has enveloped me constantly over the years...especially in my formative years (ages six-thirteen). So, it's no wonder that I am nothing but a walking billboard for negativity. You can't be positive or feel positive when nobody has ever showed you how. I didn't form that naturally as a child, and now it seems almost impossible to pick up. At least, in a natural way. When I try to physically express happiness and joy, I feel foolish. I know that nobody is thinking anything of it (especially if everyone is having a good time), but I can't help but feel like I stick out like a sore and ugly thumb. 

I don't think that it's normal, healthy, or safe for anyone to think and live the way that I do. There are times when I feel as though it's too late for me. Too late for me to learn how to accept and express happiness. Too late for me to develop self-esteem. Too late for everything. 

Self Discouragement

Motivation (or lack thereof) is my excuse for not sticking to my goal of writing in here every week for the past two years. I have no reasons. I only have excuses. 

I have had zero enthusiasm and zero motivation. A lot of it has to do with my anxiety and my depression, which has just been through the roof lately ("lately", as in for the last thirty-two years). 

My goal with this blog was to hone my writing skills (which are already fantastic), and to start getting back into the habit of writing on a regular basis (and as a form of therapy). Then, the actual initiation of writing will not be such a struggle for me, and I won't have internal arguments trying to convince myself to write. 

Getting started, for me, is the most difficult part of writing. Once I start, I'm on a roll (usually) and can write for hours on end. 

What stops me is my constant thinking....

"What is the point?"

Which is what I ask myself when it comes to almost everything and anything.

I am constantly thinking, "what is the point of writing anything if nobody is going to read it?" 

That shouldn't even matter, should it? I should be writing for the sheer joy of writing....because it makes me feel good. 

It does make me feel good. I enjoy it a lot! It's one of the very few things I can actually admit that I'm good at. But, as I write, I start to get depressed for the very reason I just stated. 

Part of the problem is that I am my lone supporter. That is not ideal when you have such terribly low self-esteem, that you pretty much hate yourself and everything about you. 

I guess I feel the need for some sort of validation that I am good at this (at anything, really).  Maybe it's because I feel that I can't do anything right (just look at my life). I've rarely, if ever, received any sort of praise when I've done something right, good, well, etc. So I am always questioning myself and my abilities. I don't want to share something with the world, and it's absolutely awful, and I unintentionally humiliate myself (not that that's anything new). 

But, it doesn't just apply to writing. I put a lot off because I don't feel well all the time (pain, fatigue, etc). So all the little projects I put off eventually pile up into one humongous project I need to accomplish in a short amount of time. Then I get so mad at myself for doing that. I just get so depressed and have no motivation for anything at all.

So, I guess the point of this was to explain my excuse for not being as steady with blogging as I would like. 

I have to try and defeat my enemy, which is myself, that keeps me from doing the things I enjoy. 

We'll see how that goes (I have no type of military training in this matter).