When Hope Becomes a Bad Thing...

The other day I had an epiphany. 

I had a revelation.

The other day, the light bulb finally went off in my head (and did not start an electrical fire).

I have a necklace that says "hope". I wear it because it reminds me to have hope. Hope is what has gotten me through life...has gotten me through so many difficult times. If I didn't have hope (as exaggerated as it may be), I would not have lasted this long. 

Hope (as well as faith), obviously, can be a wonderful thing. It can get you through the most trying of times. However, I have realized that there comes a time when a person can have too much hope. At that point, hope becomes detrimental, and causes more harm than good.

I will use an example that I am familiar with (because I have twice experienced it)...

being in an abusive relationship.

Granted, there are a great many more factors involved in a situation such as that, but, for all intent and purposes, I'm using that example. 

When you are on the receiving end of an abusive relationship, every day you're hoping for life to get better. You keep hoping that your partner is going to "see the light", and become a better person....a nice person(the person they were when you met them).
In that particular situation, having hope for a better everything can go on endlessly. The hope is alive as long as you are alive.
In reality, though, the abuser will most likely never get "better". The never ending, falsified, imagined hope becomes a detriment in this type of situation. Your hope keeps you in this horrible environment, and your hope keeps you continuously hurt, physically and/or mentally.
In this instance, hope is bad...believing that there is hope for something that you know will never come to be. That's when the imagination and the brain are not working together. 

I could go on. I probably will at a later date. 
I just needed to get this finished and published before I find another excuse to not do it...or just get too depressed to make myself do it.

Don't Make Me Feel "Crazy"

I decided to write about something that I have experienced before, and am currently dealing with (unfortunately). 
It's not exactly Gaslighting, but I believe that it is a form of Gaslighting. It's a form of manipulation....a tactic that narcissistic individuals use (that's for yet another entry at some point).

I have always been embarrassed and ashamed, and somewhat scared and nervous, to talk about myself (my problems), what I am going through, and what I have went through.

But, if I have learned anything (and this was just recently) in my years of Life Mistakes, it's that you NEED to talk to someone about what speed bumps and difficulties you're experiencing at whatever point in life. This is for a few reasons. One of them being to keep yourself grounded and in your right mind. It's always good to get an outside, more subjective perspective on a subject or situation. It's good to get an impartial opinion on something. If the mind/brain are over stressed, overwhelmed, etc, it is easy to have a distorted perception about things you are experiencing. You need to know if you are thinking reasonably and rationally, or if you are blowing it out of proportion. When the mind is clouded by poisonous words and hate (that someone else is dispensing on you).
It's good to be held down in reality by someone you can rely on, and not to have your mind sit and stagnate in the fecal matter that is negative thoughts which are put upon you by certain other people in your life (which end up being a way of thinking you can automatically adopt).
In regard to my situation, I select very few trustworthy people to run things by. It may take me a while to work up the courage to mention and discuss things, but it does eventually happen (usually). I need to know if I am feeling and reacting normally, or if I'm exaggerating things out of proportion.
If someone is treating you poorly, you just want to be assured that your feelings are warranted and valid. Especially if you have a "problem" such as depression or anxiety. These things often bring about "all or nothing" thinking, or black and white thinking (everything is always an extreme in one direction or another).

You need to confirm your sanity. Usually the people who are mentally and emotionally mistreating someone are in some form of denial, or are delusional themselves. They will say whatever they have to in order to make what they're doing make sense to them...to make it sound like they are right in whatever it is they are doing.
Those manipulative, monstrous, maddening "people" will deny having said something or deny having done something. They'll say something along the lines of "you're making that up", "that didn't really happen", "you took it the wrong way", "you're over reacting", etc. The different ways of spinning it are endless.
They do it to get the blame off of them...to make you question your thinking and sanity (taking the focus off of what it was they did wrong).

That is cruelty. That is mental and psychological abuse.

That is where the benefit of talking with others comes in handy...the keep you sane, and to keep you from driving yourself crazy questioning yourself.

New Year, Same Crap

Oh, what a horrible person I am when it comes to keeping a "goal". 
So much for writing every day.
I have my excuses. I have had zero alone time for the last two months! I can't write when I'm not allowed to concentrate for an extended period of time, let alone not allowed any privacy.

I'll delve deeper into that soon. That's an entry all it's own.

When the opportunity arises (which will be soon), I will be writing almost every day. When I get on a roll, there's no stopping me.
At the moment, I am trapped with a person who is very not supportive. Every time I say, out loud, a goal, I am met with a negative comment of some sort....

- "I want to get a desk, so I can have a place designated for writing. It'll be encouraging to write a bit more."

- "You ain't gonna write nothing. You're not going to be a famous writer."

Notice the different ways in which each statement is spoken

That, in itself, speaks volumes of what I am up against.

It is hard enough for me to encourage and uplift myself. It's even harder living with a negative, closed minded dream hater.

That, in retrospect, I have discovered is why I am where I am in life. That place being where I don't want to be...physically, as well as mentally and emotionally.

My life has always consisted of me constantly trying to shovel the shit that is bestowed upon me, while more shit is coming down.
It's very comparable to trying to shovel while it's still snowing.

That is something I want to...no. That is something that I AM going to change! That IS one goal that I AM determined to accomplish. I'm hoping rather soon.
I am determined to reclaim my life as my own, and to be finished making poor, life ruining decisions!