Uncomfortable with Happiness (Part II)

I had another realization the other day regarding happiness. 

You know, it's amazing what you realize when you pay attention. 

Well, I mean, I pay attention and realize/notice things.....I just have an involuntary habit of forgetting things (almost immediately). 

Anyway....

As far as me being uncomfortable with feeling happy, I noticed that I get really pissed off and irritated when people are nice to me. It just genuinely disgusts me.

What is my problem, seriously??

I have been trying to figure out why I get so mad when someone is treating me nicely or saying nice things to me (generally speaking...not in an overdone way).

I'm sure it has to do with not being used to being treated kindly in the past. But, still....you would think someone used to cruelty would be welcoming to kindness. That it would be like a breath of fresh air!

But, no. 

I, honestly, don't think I'll ever come up with an answer to that question. I don't think anyone can come up with an answer to that question...no matter how many years of education and experience they have studying human behavior and the mind. Some things are just too abstract to understand and comprehend.

Isn't it just strange how some people get so used to being treated poorly that they can't even enjoy being treated the proper way (the way every human being deserves)?? They run away from nice, but stick around for mean!

There really is no point to this entry. I guess I just had a thought and wanted to just put it down on "paper". I'm know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I just like to ramble on about complicated feelings and emotions in the hope that it may help someone understand something about themselves (sometimes someone knows that something isn't quite right about them, but can't put it into words). I'm not afraid of trying to explain something and sounding stupid. 

Uncomfortable with Happiness

I have no idea what it's like to be happy. The most experience I have with happiness is, probably, 23 minutes total (if that) out of a lengthy number of minutes of being alive. 
Ever since I was a child, I have been generally unhappy. Writing that makes me sad and makes me sound quite pathetic. But, that's the reality of my life. I know that even though I try to be objective regarding myself, I can't help but be subjective (but that's true for everyone). But, I am subjective in the most negative way possible (so not normal).

But....
That isn't the subject of this post. 

Happiness, positivity, cheer, and all that kind of junk make me exceedingly uncomfortable. If I am doing something, going somewhere (whatever), and having a good time....I have no idea how to act or react. I feel very awkward when I'm having a decent time and feeling good. 

For instance, when I'm at a concert, and I'm having a good time...I don't know what to do! It feels so unnatural to smile. It feels so unnatural to just have fun, period. I just do not know how to physically express happiness, joy, pleasure, enjoyment, etc. 

I even have a difficult time using the word "happy" (verbally, written...every single way) in reference to myself in anyway at all. The words "Kim" and "happy" just do not belong in the same sentence together. I mean, instead of using the word "happy" in a sentence, I'll just say "not sad". 

I am really good at making a positive statement using all negative words. 

This is all after many, many years of practice, mind you. This skill doesn't develop overnight.

For example, if I've lost weight and can fit into smaller clothing, I can't just say, "I've lost some weight and can finally wear my skinnier clothes again". I have to say, "I'm getting less fat finally". Give me any sentence and any topic, I can "negative" it for you like that.

Also, the being uncomfortable with happiness thing has had a lot to do with why I make such poor choices as far as relationships go. I tend to veer more towards mean, cruel, evil scumbags...and run away from someone who is nice and treats me well. I don't know how to act or feel when someone is nice to me. It makes me feel too weird. So, I usually disappear when someone is being nice. Which makes absolutely no sense! But I sure do feel comfortable when someone is treating me like garbage and being mean to me. That is not good....but it makes me feel comfortable because that's what I'm used to. For instance, (years ago) I went on a few dates with a guy who was so nice to me....he said such nice things to me. He called me nice things, did nice things, was just really nice. But, I didn't know how to react. So, I just ignored him til he left me alone and gave up on me. How stupid am I??  But, I stay with jerks who are unspeakably mean for years.

You'd think I enjoy self torture....

After nearly 35 years, I have just become accustomed to negativity. It has enveloped me constantly over the years...especially in my formative years (ages six-thirteen). So, it's no wonder that I am nothing but a walking billboard for negativity. You can't be positive or feel positive when nobody has ever showed you how. I didn't form that naturally as a child, and now it seems almost impossible to pick up. At least, in a natural way. When I try to physically express happiness and joy, I feel foolish. I know that nobody is thinking anything of it (especially if everyone is having a good time), but I can't help but feel like I stick out like a sore and ugly thumb. 

I don't think that it's normal, healthy, or safe for anyone to think and live the way that I do. There are times when I feel as though it's too late for me. Too late for me to learn how to accept and express happiness. Too late for me to develop self-esteem. Too late for everything. 

Self Discouragement

Motivation (or lack thereof) is my excuse for not sticking to my goal of writing in here every week for the past two years. I have no reasons. I only have excuses. 

I have had zero enthusiasm and zero motivation. A lot of it has to do with my anxiety and my depression, which has just been through the roof lately ("lately", as in for the last thirty-two years). 

My goal with this blog was to hone my writing skills (which are already fantastic), and to start getting back into the habit of writing on a regular basis (and as a form of therapy). Then, the actual initiation of writing will not be such a struggle for me, and I won't have internal arguments trying to convince myself to write. 

Getting started, for me, is the most difficult part of writing. Once I start, I'm on a roll (usually) and can write for hours on end. 

What stops me is my constant thinking....

"What is the point?"

Which is what I ask myself when it comes to almost everything and anything.

I am constantly thinking, "what is the point of writing anything if nobody is going to read it?" 

That shouldn't even matter, should it? I should be writing for the sheer joy of writing....because it makes me feel good. 

It does make me feel good. I enjoy it a lot! It's one of the very few things I can actually admit that I'm good at. But, as I write, I start to get depressed for the very reason I just stated. 

Part of the problem is that I am my lone supporter. That is not ideal when you have such terribly low self-esteem, that you pretty much hate yourself and everything about you. 

I guess I feel the need for some sort of validation that I am good at this (at anything, really).  Maybe it's because I feel that I can't do anything right (just look at my life). I've rarely, if ever, received any sort of praise when I've done something right, good, well, etc. So I am always questioning myself and my abilities. I don't want to share something with the world, and it's absolutely awful, and I unintentionally humiliate myself (not that that's anything new). 

But, it doesn't just apply to writing. I put a lot off because I don't feel well all the time (pain, fatigue, etc). So all the little projects I put off eventually pile up into one humongous project I need to accomplish in a short amount of time. Then I get so mad at myself for doing that. I just get so depressed and have no motivation for anything at all.

So, I guess the point of this was to explain my excuse for not being as steady with blogging as I would like. 

I have to try and defeat my enemy, which is myself, that keeps me from doing the things I enjoy. 

We'll see how that goes (I have no type of military training in this matter).

When Hope Becomes a Bad Thing...

The other day I had an epiphany. 

I had a revelation.

The other day, the light bulb finally went off in my head (and did not start an electrical fire).

I have a necklace that says "hope". I wear it because it reminds me to have hope. Hope is what has gotten me through life...has gotten me through so many difficult times. If I didn't have hope (as exaggerated as it may be), I would not have lasted this long. 

Hope (as well as faith), obviously, can be a wonderful thing. It can get you through the most trying of times. However, I have realized that there comes a time when a person can have too much hope. At that point, hope becomes detrimental, and causes more harm than good.

I will use an example that I am familiar with (because I have twice experienced it)...

being in an abusive relationship.

Granted, there are a great many more factors involved in a situation such as that, but, for all intent and purposes, I'm using that example. 

When you are on the receiving end of an abusive relationship, every day you're hoping for life to get better. You keep hoping that your partner is going to "see the light", and become a better person....a nice person(the person they were when you met them).
In that particular situation, having hope for a better everything can go on endlessly. The hope is alive as long as you are alive.
In reality, though, the abuser will most likely never get "better". The never ending, falsified, imagined hope becomes a detriment in this type of situation. Your hope keeps you in this horrible environment, and your hope keeps you continuously hurt, physically and/or mentally.
In this instance, hope is bad...believing that there is hope for something that you know will never come to be. That's when the imagination and the brain are not working together. 

I could go on. I probably will at a later date. 
I just needed to get this finished and published before I find another excuse to not do it...or just get too depressed to make myself do it.

Don't Make Me Feel "Crazy"

I decided to write about something that I have experienced before, and am currently dealing with (unfortunately). 
It's not exactly Gaslighting, but I believe that it is a form of Gaslighting. It's a form of manipulation....a tactic that narcissistic individuals use (that's for yet another entry at some point).

I have always been embarrassed and ashamed, and somewhat scared and nervous, to talk about myself (my problems), what I am going through, and what I have went through.

But, if I have learned anything (and this was just recently) in my years of Life Mistakes, it's that you NEED to talk to someone about what speed bumps and difficulties you're experiencing at whatever point in life. This is for a few reasons. One of them being to keep yourself grounded and in your right mind. It's always good to get an outside, more subjective perspective on a subject or situation. It's good to get an impartial opinion on something. If the mind/brain are over stressed, overwhelmed, etc, it is easy to have a distorted perception about things you are experiencing. You need to know if you are thinking reasonably and rationally, or if you are blowing it out of proportion. When the mind is clouded by poisonous words and hate (that someone else is dispensing on you).
It's good to be held down in reality by someone you can rely on, and not to have your mind sit and stagnate in the fecal matter that is negative thoughts which are put upon you by certain other people in your life (which end up being a way of thinking you can automatically adopt).
In regard to my situation, I select very few trustworthy people to run things by. It may take me a while to work up the courage to mention and discuss things, but it does eventually happen (usually). I need to know if I am feeling and reacting normally, or if I'm exaggerating things out of proportion.
If someone is treating you poorly, you just want to be assured that your feelings are warranted and valid. Especially if you have a "problem" such as depression or anxiety. These things often bring about "all or nothing" thinking, or black and white thinking (everything is always an extreme in one direction or another).

You need to confirm your sanity. Usually the people who are mentally and emotionally mistreating someone are in some form of denial, or are delusional themselves. They will say whatever they have to in order to make what they're doing make sense to them...to make it sound like they are right in whatever it is they are doing.
Those manipulative, monstrous, maddening "people" will deny having said something or deny having done something. They'll say something along the lines of "you're making that up", "that didn't really happen", "you took it the wrong way", "you're over reacting", etc. The different ways of spinning it are endless.
They do it to get the blame off of them...to make you question your thinking and sanity (taking the focus off of what it was they did wrong).

That is cruelty. That is mental and psychological abuse.

That is where the benefit of talking with others comes in handy...the keep you sane, and to keep you from driving yourself crazy questioning yourself.

New Year, Same Crap

Oh, what a horrible person I am when it comes to keeping a "goal". 
So much for writing every day.
I have my excuses. I have had zero alone time for the last two months! I can't write when I'm not allowed to concentrate for an extended period of time, let alone not allowed any privacy.

I'll delve deeper into that soon. That's an entry all it's own.

When the opportunity arises (which will be soon), I will be writing almost every day. When I get on a roll, there's no stopping me.
At the moment, I am trapped with a person who is very not supportive. Every time I say, out loud, a goal, I am met with a negative comment of some sort....

- "I want to get a desk, so I can have a place designated for writing. It'll be encouraging to write a bit more."

- "You ain't gonna write nothing. You're not going to be a famous writer."

Notice the different ways in which each statement is spoken

That, in itself, speaks volumes of what I am up against.

It is hard enough for me to encourage and uplift myself. It's even harder living with a negative, closed minded dream hater.

That, in retrospect, I have discovered is why I am where I am in life. That place being where I don't want to be...physically, as well as mentally and emotionally.

My life has always consisted of me constantly trying to shovel the shit that is bestowed upon me, while more shit is coming down.
It's very comparable to trying to shovel while it's still snowing.

That is something I want to...no. That is something that I AM going to change! That IS one goal that I AM determined to accomplish. I'm hoping rather soon.
I am determined to reclaim my life as my own, and to be finished making poor, life ruining decisions!

Don't Think, Kim

I have come to the conclusion that me trying to THINK before writing is where my problem lies. I have sat in front of this damn computer for weeks...thinking. Well, and you see how far that got me.

I have so many ideas (good ideas, honestly) that I could have written a blog every single day since I started this...plus a whole volume of books!

Stupid me for thinking!

I may talk quite a bit about dealing with (or trying to deal with) stress. It seems to be an ongoing theme in my life (moreso than the average person). You'll also notice that I do LOTS of asides using the "()".

That's how I talk, too.

I deal with so much stress on an hourly basis. I do not exaggerate!

You'll learn more about that as time goes on.

The stress I handle is not "worry" stress. I learned how to eliminate that kind of stress years ago. It wasn't easy, though, believe me. I learned how to do that from my Dad. He was an ever constant worrier...until he had his heart attack at the age of 57.

The stress I live with (voluntarily involuntary) with due to the people that are around me. They seem to like imposing their life problems, stress, and crap upon me. The problem with me is that I let them.

Correcting that is a work in progress. Not necessarily an easy process, seeing as how it means eliminating certain people from my life. Some people are not that easy to get rid of (sometimes due to their type of and level of dumbness).

Again, another topic to discuss over time.

 Look at this....

I wrote all this in less than an hour...because I wasn't thinking. Or, rather, I wasn't trying to put more thought into it than I should. That is my obvious problem.

I guess I want to impress folks with my writing...which is so unlike me because I do not go to any length to impress anyone. I am me (unfortunately). This is who and how I am. I will not change who I am as a person. So, if you don't like how I am, that's too bad for you. \If you change because someone wants you to, you're just a liar (to others AND yourself).

So, me and my non-thinking brain will be back sooner than we were this time!